In my previous post, I shared the inspiring experience of attending the International Association for Counseling (IAC) conference in Malta. Now, I want to dive into the topic our research team presented: "Is it Harder to Forgive? A Look at Emotions Related to Forgiveness, Karma, And Revenge".

This is a topic that, unlike some academic research, hooks everyone. At our poster presentation, people stopped, asked questions, laughed, and even shared their powerful stories about karma and forgiveness.

So, let's start with the "Too Long; Didn't Read" (TL;DR) question: Is it harder to forgive?

The short answer is: yes.

Our research substantiated that the act of forgiveness, while often held up as the ultimate goal, actually comes with more anxiety and more sadness. There is a real struggle for us to forgive because, in a nutshell, it often doesn't feel good.

The Three Common Paths: Forgiveness, Karma, and Revenge

This research grew from the work of Dr. Richard Balkin, who explored how forgiveness is not as one-dimensional as people often believe. It’s not just about saying, "I forgive you," and acting like nothing happened.

When someone "transgresses" against us—or in simple terms, does something that harms us or doesn't feel good —we tend to follow three primary paths. These responses are common to humanity, regardless of cultural background.

Revenge: The "you made me feel bad, so now I'm going to make you feel bad and we'll call it even" response.

Karma: The belief that "you did me wrong, but you're going to get yours in the end". We found that people like it when karma happens—it can bring feelings of happiness and joy.

Forgiveness: The choice to forgive the person who wronged us.

Here’s the central conflict we discovered: Our research suggested that people desire forgiveness more than karma or revenge. We want to be a person who forgives.

However, it sure feels good when karma takes over. Why? Because, as we found, forgiveness is hard. It makes us feel sad and anxious.

Why This Research Matters for You

This isn't just an academic exercise. In our lives, we will all experience being wronged by someone. It's an unavoidable part of being human.

Unfortunately, if we don't feel like those transgressions are resolved, we tend to carry them around. They weigh on us, and many negative emotions get attached to them.

This is a theme that comes up in counseling all the time.

Perhaps it's a 50-year-old man who is still struggling with the relational trauma from his mother, who treated him horribly throughout his childhood. He has to figure out how to resolve those feelings. What does he do with all that pain?. Does he get revenge? Does he just wait? Does he try to forgive her? And if so, how?

As mental health practitioners, we need to have different roadmaps to help clients resolve these traumas so they don't weigh on their mental health.

The Myth of Forgiveness: Finding Your Pathway

This research is so important because it validates that there are many different pathways to resolve relational trauma.

One of the biggest myths about forgiveness is that it means you must re-enter a relationship with the person or that you even have to tell them, "I forgive you". This is often a major reason people get "stuck."

But that is just one pathway.

A pathway to forgiveness for that client might be to say, "I am going to choose to forgive her, but I am not going back into a relationship with her. In fact, I'm never going to tell her I forgave her, and I'm never going to see her again. But in my heart, I know that I've given her forgiveness, and that is my resolution".

That is a valid and powerful path to healing.

My work as a clinician isn't to force one solution. It's to say, "Here is what research shows is beneficial for people struggling with this issue". It allows me to share different, proven options so that you can choose the pathway to forgiveness that feels the best for you—and gives you the best chance of finally resolving that trauma and finding peace.